I don’t know why or how it happens, but just when I so desperately need a shimmer of hope in my life, lightness always shows up.

For this week, my light has been in the form of a Thai holiday: Loi Krathong.

Loi Krathong is one of Thailand’s biggest festivals. It falls on the full moon of the last month of a traditional Thai calendar, which usually is November.

It is believed the festival began as a “thank you” to the water god after the rainy season. People would use krathongs, or small baskets, as offerings to the god.

But krathongs aren’t just any baskets. They are made from a slice of a banana tree. Banana leaves are then intricately decorated around it to make it look like a tiny basket. Within it, there are flowers, candles and three incense sticks. People will sometimes put in coins or hair clippings as offerings.

The night of the festival, people float these krathongs on water. They make a wish as they send off their krathongs.

It is said that these small baskets carry away bad luck and regrets, symbolizing a new start.

So here’s to hoping this holiday will bring me another new start I desperately need.

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The past few days my mind has been filled with nothing but disgusting darkness.

This is the most I’ve been trapped in my mind since coming to Thailand.

No one is here to stop me if I just kill myself. It’s either I quit and become a failure or I die. No in between. Come one Liz just pick the easier way out. 

The worst part is that I think these thoughts are normal.

My own mind is eating at me. I just constantly tell myself that I am not good enough. No matter where I go or what I do in life, I will always be a failure.

I thought I was doing great since moving to Thailand. But I saw myself slipping backwards when I had small panic attacks last week.

Then each day my mind became cloudier. More and more. Until I just snapped.

I want so badly for this pain to end. I am so sick of suffering.

I really am trying all my tools that I have learned to get better. Reading, meditating, talking with friends, staying busy, medication, coloring. Again, nothing seems to work.

But when I woke up this morning, I remembered it was Loi Krathong and the meaning behind this special festival.

So instead of continuing down another dark path, here’s to a new start.

Here’s to hoping my krathong floats away with the pain rooted so deep within me.

Here’s to hoping that I learn to let go. What happened in the past is over. I cannot change what I’ve been through or rewrite the mistakes I’ve made.

Here’s to living for right now. Living for this very moment.

Here’s to rebuilding myself. Free of pain and only drowning in self love.

Here’s to everyone else suffering. I hope you realize that in this very moment, you are here for a reason. You are here, breathing, and that speaks volumes.

I too am still here writing this, even though so badly I wish I wasn’t here at all. But I am because I know how much it could mean to someone to just hear that you are not alone. You never were and you never will be alone.

Thank you Loi Krathong. Thank you for coming at the time I needed it the most.