Can you believe that it has already been over a month since I left!? 

I cannot even begin to explain how fast these past five weeks have gone. 

If you have been following me along my journey, you know it has been quite a rollercoaster ride. 

It was all fresh and exciting when I first arrived, but as the weeks continued, reality set in.

I’m actually here for six months. 

The joy started to slip away as my panic attacks returned. My anxiety and suicidal thoughts came out. I was ready to give up. 

You’re an idiot Liz. Why did you think you could do this? Get yourself home now. 

I felt trapped and confused during the week, but once I was out of my room, enjoying my friends and all the country has to offer, I felt normal again. 

And boy does this country have a lot to offer!

Every place I’ve visited has knocked me off of my feet. Bangkok is lively, the sites are beautiful and the locals are the friendliest people. 

But as much as I am loving it on the outside, my insides were weakening.

More and more I let the darkness control my mind to the point of hurting people who care about me. 

It took the biggest strike of reality to wake me up from the monster my mental illness created inside of me. 

I was saying awful words. I was a manipulator. I was not myself. 

It was painful to hear those honest words, but it was exactly what I needed to get me out of this hole. 

Now as I’m ready to take on month number two, I have a new sense of who I am. 

I’m tearing up as I write this because of how proud I am of the strides I’ve made in the last few days! These are the biggest strides I feel I’ve made in MONTHS. 

I cry, but it is okay to cry! It’s healthy. 

I’m constantly writing. Whatever I feel, I just write. It helps me organize the thoughts that are whirling around in my mind. 

I run. Yeah I know, I’m surprised too!! 

I’m reading and going back to my daily meditations. 

I’m still working on how to let go of the past, but I hope it will become easier as I get back on my feet. 

For too long I thought other people could take away the pain that was rooted so deep within me.

After months and months of my mind torturing me, it was this wake up call that taught me only I can fix the pain. I have the support, but they can only do so much.

It truly must come from within yourself to fight this battle. 

As each day goes by, I’m feeling stronger! I’m feeling like myself again. 

It has been a tough war, but for the first time, I’m winning! 

If you are also fighting, know that you can win too!! You are not alone and  you will be amazed at your strength! 

Love always,
Lizzy 

P.S. Enough of the negativity I’ve been through, here’s some highlights from my first month!!